By Douglas Goldstein, CFP®

“If I don’t pay for two-thirds of an apartment, my daughter won’t get a good shidduch,” a client told me. Another client said, “We have to match whatever funds the other parents are contributing.” A different couple complained, “We’ll have to sell our house in order to raise the money to marry off our children.”

While I frequently hear complaints about the cost of marriage, I’ve never found the people on the other side of the coin. I haven’t been told, “If my son’s fiancé doesn’t fork up $100,000, I’m canceling the wedding.” Nor have I heard, “It’s true that my daughter has found a fabulous young man, but if his parents won’t pay enough, the deal’s off.” Therefore, it’s critical to understand the financial myths surrounding weddings.

I recently met a haredi Rabbi, the father of eight girls, who subsists on a rosh yeshiva’s salary. When marrying off one of his daughters, the other side asked how much money he would contribute. When he told them the modest sum he was capable of, they asked for more. The Rabbi told them, “When your son gets married, you can look for three things in his bride: a fine woman, a good family, and money. I hope you can be satisfied with two out of three.” A few years later, the two fathers met again, and the Rabbi was told, “With my next son, I looked harder for money, and it turned out to be a disaster.”

If you are reading this article, then you’re probably not part of a community where marriage is a business deal, consummated with the purchase of an apartment. As such, you need to determine how much you can and want to afford in helping your children. As your children begin dating, let them know what the wedding and marriage budget is so that there are no surprises. And please, please don’t perpetuate the myth that parents must bankrupt themselves in order to marry off their kids. If you have your own money/marriage stories, please email them to doug@profile-financial.com.